mind story time

What REALLY happened last year…

I am opening up and telling you what was really going on last year. For me, a truly terrifying experience.

Last year, something happened. It was a really scary experience and I am finally ready to share all of it.

About a year ago, I believe it was begin March. I was sitting in my room, working on my laptop. When suddenly I felt like I was under water. For a minute I could not hear. But me being me, I brushed it off for ‘my head just being weird again’. However, after a few minutes I began to see something resembling a lightningbold. It stayed in my left eyes vision and it was really colorful and sparkly. I was not hallucinating as everything else was fine. Until the headaches started. A throbbing headace in the back of my right brain.

I went downstairs to tell my mother, just so someone in the house knew I wasn’t feeling well. She told me to lie down for a minute, so that’s what I did. I laid down in a dark room and tried to sleep a bit. After about 15 minutes my mother walked into my room. “Nicky, it didn’t feel right so I called the doctor, just to be sure. We can go right now.” The doctors office is about a 10 minute walk from our house so we went right away. 

When we arrived at the doctorsoffice we had to wait in the waitingroom for a bit. That’s when everything went south. While I was waiting I noticed that my coat was feeling really weird on my left arm. I decided to try and pinch my left hand and I noticed it was numb. This is when I started panicking. I have my first aid license, so I know that when bodyparts start to go numb, it’s a sign of a stroke. I started to cry and hyperventilate. We rushed to the doctor and she checked me out. While she was doing a check-up, more of my left bodyparts started to go numb. My leg, my eye, my tongue. Believe me, it was VERY strange. That is when the doctor called the ambulance. 

I tried to stay calm. When the ambulance came, I wanted to be strong. It was my first ambulance trip EVER (and I hope my last too). All I could think was “Nicky shut up, if people can survive bombs, I can fucking survive this shit.” After what felt like HOURS we arrived at the hospital. There the neurologist checked me out. And luckily, it was not a stroke. It turned out I had a VERY intens migraine attack. Mind you, I have never had a migraine attack in my life ever before. 

So, seemingly, this is where the story ends. But it sadly did not. 

They told me it could take up to a week to recover from the intens day and the migraine. So, I slept a LOT. But I noticed that after a week, I was not recovering. I kept feeling drained and immensly tired. This frustrated me to the max. I wanted to go back to work and do my thing. After a month, I tried to go back to work. Which resulted in me crying behind the bar because I was about to pass out. I felt like mentally, I was broken. And I didn’t know why. 

After that incident I wen’t back to the doctor again, and to the hospital. They all told me, there was physically nothing wrong with my brain. So, I went to the psychologist. Back in 2012 I had a very traumatic incident at the hospital during a surgery, which resulted in me having controlling issues. I think that the combination of those controlling issues and the complete loss of control over the left side of my body, messed me up a bit. 

All together it took about seven months for me to recover. Something that made the progress really hard for me was that a lot of people did not understand. They told me to stop whining and get myself together. They started diagnosing me and telling me what to do. But I do not blame them. It’s okay that they don’t understand. Because a mental illness is not something you can see. When someone’s leg is broken, everyone sees that they are not okay. A mental illness is like an invisible broken legg. You’re not okay too, people just don’t see it. 

I feel like there is so much more to tell. But I feel like this is already a pretty long blogpost. There will be a part two for sure.

Thankyou for reading.

I wish you all the stars,

N

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